Good Grief!

Taken December 2010
 

How has it been 11 years! October 20, 2013 at 9:03 pm, Paul, the love of my life on earth went to meet his Savior, first of all and then others... 

This year has by far been the most difficult for me in my grief. Not many would know it because I am still the same Lois- I like to look on the outside like everything is great and good yet the loss I feel is so prominent. I have wondered if it has been more challenging because after retiring, I now have more time – time to reminisce, time to work on a house that has lots of projects (which we loved doing together), and NOW there is time to grieve.  

I always have thought of my grief as an ocean- probably because I love being close to water (oceans, rivers, lakes, streams, and brooks) all hold a special place in my life. You ask..."Why is grief like an ocean?"   Oceans have tides- low and high; there are waves that often swallow you if you are surfing (or kayaking); storms come on land from the ocean and can wreak havoc in cities. To me, grief is like that. 

 

Ah, the grief is often at low tide – it’s there in the background but life can be lived without interruption of the grief. Busyness takes a front seat and grief sits beside or behind. It just seems to loom in the near distance, ebbing and flowing with life. 

 

BUT…. Hold on for that high tide when you feel you are being swallowed up in the grief. Oh, YES when you least expect it…here it comes seemingly (at times) out of nowhere and you are left paddling backwards, forward, then just allowing the current to take you where it wants to. That griefwork is just part of the grand plan. I think it is preparation for the Grief Storm yet to come. 

 

Nothing prepares you for the Grief Storm. It’s not like an announcement is made- it’s coming in 2 days, 5 days, or even 10 days. If that happened, then I could prepare myself for it and be guarded so I didn’t feel the impact. But it comes and it stays sometimes for days upon days. I wonder if it will ever go away. Or when will the storm subside. When will I get to the other side of the storm. 

 

Tonight on the eve of Paul's "death anniversary" I listened to his words again to remind me of how much we had together in life and in death- Click the link to hear Paul share - https://youtu.be/8r6YmfKBwD8?si=OctgEN94Hm0WVK72  


I began to write. I have found that writing offers a balm to my soul. My thoughts meander through the creek and the water flows in my mind, down through my eyes, onto my cheeks and tonight all the way to my chin. I felt God's hand of comfort over me, reassuring me the tears are ok- and I will be with you- Isaiah 43:2-3a, 5a


        When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

Do not be afraid, for I am with you.


I am thankful that I lived life in the fullest way that I could have lived with Paul. We loved each other well on a daily basis- and for that I am most thankful that God gave me a husband like Paul. When I have counseled couples before their marriage, I have said, “oh if only you could create a marriage similar to what we had”.  It wasn’t always perfect, for we were two imperfect people. But it was always God centered.  We didn’t always agree on everything but the one thing we did promise we would always do is agree to disagree in an agreeable way and then celebrate our differences. 

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